Do you have trouble listening to silence?
I didn’t used to. It was my favorite part of day; Getting by myself, either right before bed, or in the evening, after all the major events of the day. It was when I let my brain analyze, defragment and collate all the input it’d received.
I could just… shut down basically, and let my brain unravel everything out.
Over the last few years, I’ve gotten less and less time to myself, where I could just unwind and let go of the frustrations. I don’t know if it’s just part of ‘growing up,’ or just the social set I’ve been introduced to. Either way, the result is that my brain has felt caught in a recurrent loop, having so many thoughts to process that my mind cannot settle on any one for more than a few seconds. I did what I could to get time by myself, but it was never quite enough to completely reboot. So I ended up just feeling run down, like I was eking out the last dregs of energy in a battery.
Anyways, this week I’ve been afforded three whole days to myself- My roomie had places to be, so I literally have an entire domicile all alone (Domicile; cool word, right?). And I found- I have forgotten how to listen to the silence. I’ve been pent up so long that my brain very nearly forgot how to reboot, defragment. I kept wanting to distract myself, not sit down and focus. It’s been a frustrating and enlightening week.
I’m getting a bit better. Maybe if I had a whole month by my Onesy, I’d fully remember how to unwind, and I’d be mostly back to my old self… I miss my old self.
But, it is what it is. Perhaps I’ll be able to steal a few moments here and there and find a way through anyways.