Thursday, November 8, 2012

“And there still will be rain on that plain….”

I have really tried, especially in recent years, to steer clear of politics. The issues are too hot, the arguments are too exhausting and the whole endeavor is, by and large, futile.

The recent race has brought to light some ugly things- ridiculous things, to be quite frank- that SOMEONE needs to speak out against, however. And since I see damn few people sitting in the middle of this teeter totter, I guess I’ll fill part of the void.

No one is leaving the country over this years’ race. Wanna know why? Because, quite honestly, this whole presidential election was pretty damn near being a bust.

Neither leading candidate said anything extraordinary in order to win votes. I listened to and watched the debates between President Obama and Governor Romney; the entire time allotments were wasted on “he said/ I said” titterings. When asked a very specific question, the candidates wasted precious energy and minutes down-talking the competitor and- when lucky- addressed the question in the last 15 seconds of the segment.

President Obama maintained that he was doing what was best for the country, and that he had delivered on all his promises- though cited very few articles of record to back up his claim.

Governor Romney cited occasional statistics against the presidents claims, and asserted that he would ‘do better,’ but gave very little information on exactly HOW he would do so.

The plain and simple fact of the matter is; Neither gentleman deserved to win over the other. So- while I would encourage people to put more critical thought into their decisions- I can understand the fact that the majority of the public voted for the known quantity, over a new and untested option. Why shift the tides to an equally dismal one when you don’t have to, right?

So, long story short: At the end of the day, the elections really don’t mean anything down here on the bottom. All that matters is us, the people, doing what we can to make up the difference between what we need and where the government can’t help. All that matters is you, doing your part, to make the world a better place.

I promise, the world will eventually come to an end whether or whether not Mr. __________ is president.

God Bless America. (And every place else… Just in case ya’ll felt left out. I’m not stingy)

Saturday, September 29, 2012

Recalculating Route…

I may have mentioned it before, but if you don’t know; I’m a writer. (Yes, I know, self evident. Work with me) I’ve been intent upon a career as an author since… probably junior year of high school. I have always loved writing; I love telling stories, sharing thoughts and learning new things. My brain jumps to new and exciting universes at a rate faster than my fingers can take down. This is, quite simply, what I was created for. I love it!

It has taken me a few years of hemming and hawing and getting distracted, but I have finally reached the point of personal desperation and resolve wherein I have decided to ACTIVELY pursue this career full time.
So, “Yay!” for starters. I’m excited to be set on this path and have been building my network and finding habits and tricks that will allow me to produce excellent works that I can share. I have, however, come to some realizations of how this decision has- and will continue to- affected my daily life.

It really is quite funny what parts of my life are affected. It’s a strange amalgam of increased personal responsibility and decreased independence. I’ve spent the last two years in a 9 to 5 job, making money “like a grown-up” and having a set expectation to adhere to. I could pay my own bills, buy my own cell phone- Order my own pizza! All without the need to ask for help or plan around someone else.

As it stands now, I’m living in my brother’s garage, I need help from my parents to keep my phone from shutting off, and I’m writing in between freelance gigs and watching my nephews and nieces (an awesome way to pay rent, if you’re weird like me and enjoy the craziness of 4 kids). I mean, this isn’t exactly how my five year plan had been lined out, yaknow? I was gonna save up to have something to live on, find a steady SOMETHING to keep me floating, then shock the world with my AMAZING pros and awe-inspiring plot lines! (dream big, baby!)

I’m not complaining in the least; I’ve got it pretty much golden where I’m at. I mean, how many people get to play Legos and have nap time at their day jobs? But it wasn't part of my itinerary before. I’ve had to re-plot (haha) my life and wrap my brain around a new route to my destination.

It’s just fascinating. I’m not too worried. I’m stubborn enough to make it, and I’m fortunate enough to have an amazing emotional (and financial;-p) support system. I SHALL prevail!

So I’m gonna rock this starving artist stage.

Winking smile

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

My Realizations and Personal Growth

     I have found that over the last several years I have become very bad at setting boundaries.
     I think I never learned to set them properly, because I was living in a safe environment where the boundaries were already in place. I didn't have to worry about being used, or using others, because the home where I grew up and was raised in was already set up in a reciprocal, symbiotic balance. My family had learned to be inter-dependent, not co-dependent.

    While knowing what this was, I wasn't aware of how my parents had made it work, and so over the last few years I've been attempting to learn how to balance my own life as an adult, and have stumbled exceptionally.

    I came across a training about setting boundaries, and it broke up my recent situation better than any self analysis I had run: I am a 'Rescuer.'
     I see it as my right and duty to be there for others. I am the sort of person that runs around giving 100% of myself to people, even when they only give 10% back. I am afraid of saying “No” to people, because I hate to disappoint them, and I hate to appear selfish. I don't ask for help, because I don't like to seem weak or self-centered.

    I like to feel needed; it makes me feel like part of a group. I don't often recognize my own needs until it's too late, and “know better” than to put my needs first, even when I should. And I tend to be vague about what is expected in my relationships.

    Because of my personality, I tend to attract 'Victims'; people who are under-responsible. People who are passive, and don't know what they want, what they are about.
    Victims live in a 'blame mode' and feel entitled. They look to others to do things for them, and take very little, if any, personal responsibility. They expect to be rescued, and continually have reasons not to be there when it's there turn to be accountable.

    These people make it easy for me to be a Rescuer; they give me an automatic pass to take over and “try to make things better.” In reality, all I'm doing is making us both weak.

Because I give 100% of myself to everything, I get burnt out fast. I get fed up, angry, and eventually throw my hands up in the air and walk away- at least until I feel guilty. The guilt, of course, leads me to being a rescuer again, and the vicious cycle continues.

So, this long diatribe has led me to both some new and re-used conclusions:

~ I need to say “No!” It is not my job to solve the world's problems. I have a few that are assigned to me, but otherwise it's out of my hands, and I should leave it that way.

~ Saying 'no' to someone is not mean. It isn't selfish to know my boundaries. It isn't petty and stupid or childish. Sometimes, I need to NOT do things for people. Sometimes, I need to let them do for themselves.

~ And sometimes, I need to let them do things for me. A relationship is only balanced and healthy when it is reciprocal. This doesn't mean counting favors. This means an equal sharing of the load. This means that we care for Each Other; not just in words, not just in actions, but in design.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Silence… Very Simon and Garfunkel

Do you have trouble listening to silence?
I didn’t used to. It was my favorite part of day; Getting by myself, either right before bed, or in the evening, after all the major events of the day. It was when I let my brain analyze, defragment and collate all the input it’d received.
I could just… shut down basically, and let my brain unravel everything out.

Over the last few years, I’ve gotten less and less time to myself, where I could just unwind and let go of the frustrations. I don’t know if it’s just part of ‘growing up,’ or just the social set I’ve been introduced to. Either way, the result is that my brain has felt caught in a recurrent loop, having so many thoughts to process that my mind cannot settle on any one for more than a few seconds. I did what I could to get time by myself, but it was never quite enough to completely reboot. So I ended up just feeling run down, like I was eking out the last dregs of energy in a battery.

Anyways, this week I’ve been afforded three whole days to myself- My roomie had places to be, so I literally have an entire domicile all alone (Domicile; cool word, right?). And I found- I have forgotten how to listen to the silence. I’ve been pent up so long that my brain very nearly forgot how to reboot, defragment. I kept wanting to distract myself, not sit down and focus. It’s been a frustrating and enlightening week.

I’m getting a bit better. Maybe if I had a whole month by my Onesy, I’d fully remember how to unwind, and I’d be mostly back to my old self… I miss my old self.

But, it is what it is. Perhaps I’ll be able to steal a few moments here and there and find a way through anyways.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Attack of the Bleeding Hearts!

Why do people insist on making things bigger then they are? What exactly is the draw? I mean, I admit; I have on occasion over dramatized events in order to be funny, to be sarcastic or silly. But, as a rule, I see no point in being melodramatic about life events. the drama does not help the situation, most often it makes things worse for everyone involved.

You crash your car; “Oh my God! Are you dying?? Are they taking you to the hospital? How could this have happened to you?! You’re going to be traumatized!”
The Doctor tells you that you have a growth; “They’re going to cut you open! they’ll rip it out of you and you’ll have to be on medication for the rest of your life!
Your kid has to go stay in the hospital for a few days, because the doctors are concerned; “Are they blaming you? They’re going to take your child away! They’re going to hook him on all these tubes and machines and you wont get to be near him! Oh the humanity!!”
a super hot guy hold the door for you and smiles: “OHMYGAWD! He’s Sooo totally your soul-mate, he’s a major hunk and he SMILED at you! That MUST mean he’s into you and like, once he asks you out, you’ll be like, inseparable for life!”

Whom does this help? If I was dying, I wouldn’t be talking to you right now. It happened to me because- let’s face it, shit happens. Life sucks that way sometimes. And Attraction does not, in itself, make a relationship. Making a big deal about things like polite flirtation and friendliness only serves to muck up a part of life that is already murky!
Telling me all the things that MIGHT happen won’t help me understand what’s going on, especially if you don’t know anymore than I’ve told you. Extrapolating about the repercussions and follow-up only serves to freak out the individuals who have to deal with it, and make their lives that much harder.
And sure; it will stick in my head and will shape my life, and it may make me afraid to do things, either long or short term. But the key to living a full life isn’t what happens to you, it’s what you do with the events when they do arrive.

So next time someone tells you about something that has happened, take a deep breath, listen, and stick with the facts. They’re already worried about all the possibilities. All they need from you is to know that you’ll be there when they need you.